Pasta?
by PrincessMeowKitty1889
Summary: This mary-sue-parody follows the adventures of Allie, who's apathy of LOTRS gets her into more trouble than she planned to ever have.
1. Chapter 1

Ciao Cumpari!

I have noticed that all my stories are horribly angsty and depressing, so I have decided to try my hand at a more comical one. After reading several mary-sues, and getting rather annoyed I have decided to write a piece that mimics the common mary sue. I know many people have written parodies of this kind of writing, but I must say, it way too much fun to think about to not write at least one down.

So I have started, I dont have a name for it yet, so it will be "Pasta?" until further notice. This mary-sue-parody follows the adventures of Allie, who's apathy of LOTRS gets her into more trouble than she planned to ever have. Since I am in Italy I thought it would be fun to have the story start off right here in Rome, and then to braid some of my own adventures into it. So you can kinda look of it as a mary-sue-parody/PMK's awkward moments in Rome.

I plan to keep it short, no more than 7 chapters. And, unlike the others, I think Im going to start this one off at Helm's Deep (The Two Towers), and skip all the cliched Rivendel/tenth-walker/Moria baloogie that everyone else writes.I have decided to write it all down before I begin posting. Since I am still in Italy, and the internet is incredibly sketchy. Currently, it is about a quarter of the way done right now, once I have written I will post the chapters. So enjoy it, and review, review review!

Molto Amore,

P.M.K (Princess Meow Kitty)

Disclaimer: I do not own anything, except for my OC. Everything else belongs to JRR Tolkien

Chapter 1: In Which Allie Puts Up With Her Crazy Friends

Allie sat in down on her bed and sighed as she listened to her three friends bicker about who would look hotter with his shirt off, Legolas or Aragorn. She didn't care, in fact she couldn't even remember who was who. Lord of the Rings had never appealed to her, in fact she couldn't get even get through the first one. The one time she attempted to watch it the first 15 minutes scared the living bejeezus out of her. The only reason she tolerated the bickering was that she found in hilarious. Why they thought these men were hot was beyond her.

"Legolas would be way hotter, he probably wouldn't have any of that gross manly body hair. Armpit hair is disgusting." said Sarah

"Oh really? Well I think Legolas looks like a barbie with that hair. The only way he would be even remotely hot would be if he cut it." replied Nicole

"Wait, wait I just had a vision: a shirtless Aragorn cutting Legolas's hair. Now that is sexy smexy." butted in Amy

"You and your visions. I swear you have come up with every slash scenerio know to fan girls." argued Sarah

Amy tutted, "It is not that hard. Not with their sexyness. Aragorn could be mopping and still be sexy."

The thought of Aragorn mopping was too much for the three girls and they all collapsed giggling on the floor.

Ally just looked at them, "have I mentioned that you guys are insane?" she asked

" You've only happened to mention it at least 5 times a day." replied Nicole with a smile.

"Thats why we love you." Sarah said "you put up with our craziness."

Ally smilied at her three friends lovingly, "oh yes, I do."

She sat back and watched them bicker for about 10 more minutes, and then stood up.

"Alright girlies, I leave for Italy tomorrow morning. I gotta get packing, my mom's going to kill me if she finds out I havn't even started."

Allie laughed to herself as she watched them leave the house, still bickering about Legolas and Aragorn. Then she turned to her suitcase. It was going to be a long night.


	2. Chapter 2

In Which Allie Gets Lost And Ends Up In Middle Earth

"Ostia Antica was an ancient city that was built over 7 thousand years ago. The ancient runs indicate that the peope who once lived here..." droned the tour guide. Ali sighed with boredom. Here she was, in Ostia Antica one of the oldest ancient cities in Rome, and she was being bored to death. It was only her second day in Rome!

The flight had been a nightmare, one that she wanted to block out of her mind completely. Not only did a snobby German lady steal her seat, but also her luggage had been lost. So she had been forced to wear her same clothes for the past day and a half. Overall, she was very happy to be back safe and sound on the ground.

Her eyes fluttered over the vast ruins, they had been majestic once and now they were little more than crumbling stone. Suddenly, her eye caught something among the ruins, a glitter, a twinkle. Casting a quick glance at the tour guide (who paid no attention to the withering of his audience), Ali stepped from the group and ducked underneath an ancient archway. She saw the twinkle out of the corner of her eye and turned left, then she came upon a peculiar site: an entrance to a hole in then ground. Her eyes landed on the placard that was next to the hole. "Servants quarters: underneath the bath houses at Ostia Antica were a vast web a tunnels that allowed the servants to preform their duties without being seen." she read, "hmm thats interesting." she thought, and then a sudden urge to go down the steps came upon her (no doubt that the Valar now was giving her a bit of a push.). Ali looked down the hole and saw the glitter, again. Curiosity overtook her and she stepped down into the cave.

It was pitch black. Quickly, Allie took out her itouch and used it as a flashlight. The tunnels were old, and smelled musty. "creepy" Allie thought. As her eyes adjusted, she saw another exit about 100 yards a head of her. Deciding to be foolishly brave, Allie decided to exit out of that hole, instead of turning around. As she walked, the air grew chilly. Then, she started to feel it, a deep rumbling beneath her feet. "EARTHQUAKE!" she shouted at the top of her lungs, and she ran like her life depended on it to the other exit. She came out quickly, trying to catch her breath. She looked around and found herself on the outskirts of a forest. "this is strange." she thought, "this looks nothing like the other parts of Ostia Antica." she looked ahead and gasped. Before her, was a giant fortress, surrounded by vast mountains and sharp cliffs. As she looked at the fortress, she saw figures moving about.

"Don't panic, don't panic. This is probably part of the ancient city, you just got turned around. Those guys are probably putting on an ancient Rome show, its like live theater. They probably will help you" she tried to comfort herself.

Allie took a breath and stepped forward towards the fortress. It was very detailed for an ancient ruin, and so were the men in costumes. As she approached, she saw the men notice her. The fortress doors opened and three men came walking out to greet her. Ali smiled, "this is great! What good service! Maybe this is one of those grand castle hotel gigs where everyone dresses up like medieval times. I wonder if they speak english?" ali thought, "ehh probably not. This is perfect, I can practice my Italian!". As the men approached her, ali put on her best smilie and waved.

"Ciao! Come stai? Io sono uhhh lost-o um perduto. Io sono perduto. Di dove se Ostia Antica?" she told them smiling. They just stared at her with hard eyes, Ali noticed that each one of the men had swords. These men were obviously not the friendly type. "ummm che cosa è questo? un hotel?" she asked, now they looked confused.

"oh um, parli italiano?"

Blank stares.

"parli ingles? Do you speak any english?"

One of the men stepped forward," Yes. Who are yee and what brings yee apon Helm's Deep?"

"Exuse me? What?"

"Who are yee and what brings yee apon Helm's Deep?"

"oh um. I am lost."

"come hither from Edoras? Or perhaps yee bring news from the north?"

"uh...yes?"

"it is late for refugees. Battle is upon us. Quickly come hither inside the fort. Don't be hasty."

"uh, okay?"

And they beckoned for her to follow. Confused, but anxious to find a way out of this strange fortress, Allie followed and hoped that the manager would offer her help.


	3. Chapter 3

In Which Allie Realizes That All Those Fanfictions Are Actually True

Allie was lead deep into the fortress, "wow, look at this detail. It must of cost them millions to keep build this." she thought to herself as she passed soliders, refugees and horses. They entered a large dining area, and Allie saw a group of men huddled over a table, speaking softly to eachother.

"Excuse me, my King. We have found a late refugee who says she has news from the north."

A blonde man (presumably The King) stood up immediately.

"What is this news? Good I hope?" he said

All eyes turned to Allie, who looked dumbfounded.

"Ummm, I ummmm well the umm..." Allie stumbled, unsure of what to say.

Anther man, scruffier than the King stood up. His brown shoulder length was unwashed and a little messy and Allie thought his clothes were rather dirty. "he looks like a hobo..." Allie thought.

"My lady, do you bring news of the white wizard? Has he found them?"

Not knowing what else to say, and feeling very intimidated by all these men staring at her. Allie nodded slightly.

"The our hope has returned." said Scruffy Hobo with a sigh of relief. "If what the girl says is true, then we have a change of winning this battle." he continued.

"We must not put all of our hopes on a rumor though. We are still out numbered, we need more men." The King added with a frown on his face.

"I will not let the walls of Helms Deep fall." Scruffy Hobo replied

"Wait a minute..." Allie interrupted the men, Scruffy and The King stared at her

"Helm's Deep? We are at HELMS DEEP?" she nearly shrieked

"Yes, my lady."

"Oh no no no no no this is bad, very bad." Allie muttered. Way back in her mind she was starting to remember all of her friends conversations, "oh yes, Legolas looked hot riding down that shield at _Helm's Deep" _"it was so sad when Hadlump died at _Helm's Deep." _Swiftly, Allie reached into her bag and started rummaging.

The men, who did not know what to think of this strange behavior from this strange girl dressed in blue pants stared quietly at her.

Allie, who had finished rummaging pulled out her Kindle. On it, among the other 111 books was the Lord of the Rings trilogy which Amy had bought her as a going away present. Allie had idly started it on the plane, but not know which one came first, had started with _The Two Towers _ which led to even greater confusion and even more apathy towards the series. She remembered that had gotten bored, and had just started looking randomly through it and had came across something called _Helm's Deep. _Not knowing what it was, or why they were going there she had given up and slept. But now, she frantically was trying where it was so she could confirm that these men were crazy.

By now, Scruffy Hobo and The King had gone back to talking, there was a war going on! They had no time to listen to a frantic girl rummaging through a strange device. They were just discussing when someone named Gandalf would be arriving when they were interrupted again by a shriek:

"Nooooooooooooooooo this is Helms Deep? The _Helm's Deep? _ And you are Theodan, _KING THEODAN?"_

Not knowing what to make of this question, then men glanced quickly at her and ignored her. Allie was trying not to hyperventilate.

"This must be a mistake. What is this place? Some cooky fan based shopping mall? Thats it, I am out of here. I came to Rome to escape this Lord of the Rings madness. I bid you all good day." and with that, Allie stood up and nearly pummeled straight into a tall figure, dressed in green with long blonde hair. This was too much for Allie, with a last shriek of "NNOOOOOO!" she wacked the figure on the shoulder just to confirm that he was real, and when her fist his solid flesh and bone she realized that this was real. She was in the story of lord of the rings, like all those fanfictions amy always made her read. She took a step back from the figure, who looked just as confused as she felt, and then overtaken by it all, she fainted


	4. Chapter 4

In Which Allie Finds Out She Has Been Choosen To Complete A Quest

Allie woke up to someone blowing slightly in her ear. She opened her eyes. A great being with bright shining eyes stared back at her.

"Wh-whh-whoo what are you?" she asked, confused

"Hello Alison." the being said, smiling

"how do you know my name?"

"I know lots of things about you, but that is not for now."

"where am i?"

"you are in middle earth."

"why?"

"I brought you here. Middle earth is in grave danger, I am afraid all will be lost unless this darkness is lifted."

"what?"

"you have been brought here to help lord aragorn win this war."

"why?"

"you ask to many questions. Quiet child, let me explain."

"okay..."

"if Aragorn becomes king, and this war is won, I will let you return to your home. But if Mordor wins, and all is lost you must remain here."

"alright. I just have one more question; which one is Aragorn?"

The Valar sighed, this girl was really hopeless (which caused the Valar to wonder what exactly Princess Meow Kitty was doing.)

"he is the one with the ring on his finger, it is embalmed with a green stone and has two snakes wrapped around it." the Valar told Allie, trying to keep things simple.

Allie shook her head, Still don't know who that is."

The Valar tried very hard not to role it's eyes. "He is the man with the dark hair, dressed as a commoner."

"Ohhhh that guy, he was with The King?"

The Valar nodded, so it was Scruffy Hobo that she was to look after. "Right" she answered the Valar.

The Valar smiled, "you have no time to loose! Battle is upon Helm's Deep. But before we part, I have something for you."

The Valar drew a small dagger from behind it's back. "This will help you with your task; it makes the barer undeaftable. Use with caution thought, because there is a difference between undefetable and carelessness."

Allie took it (to the Valar's relief) without question. And then, with a wave of the Valar's hand, Allie was sent off to Helm's Deep.


	5. Chapter 5

**In Which Allie Learns a Few Lessons about Battle Strategy and The Importance of Waiting For The Signal**

Allie woke up to a pair of grey steely eyes looking at her with concern. She blinked a few times and realized that it was Scruffy Hobo. Now that he was so close to her, she realized that despite his scruffiness, he did like slightly majestic.

"Umm what happened?" she questioned, trying to not sound as confused as she felt but failing.

" You fainted, my lady." he replied

"Oh. Um, sorry must of been super dehydrated." She told him, then tried sitting up, head feeling woozy. He helped steady her.

"I do not think we have been introduced." he told her, she shook her head.

"No. My name is Allie." she told him.

He nodded his head in a little bow. "My name is Aragorn."

Allie's eyes lite in delight. "So your Aragorn. Okay, I've got this." she told him. He gave her a confused look. "oh, nothing." she waved it off.

"How did you come to be here, Lady Allie?" he asked her.

Allie shrugged, "I was just walking through this old servants tunnel in some ruins in Rome, then all of suddden there was this huge earthquake. When I reached the other end of the tunnel, I was here." she told him.

He nodded politely but didn't say anything. "he must think I'm crazy." she thought.

Aragorn then stood up, "You have arrived at a time of much peril. Battle will be upon us in less than a fortnight. I must return to the King's side. If you'll excuse me, my lady. I wish to hear more of how you came to be here but now is not the time. You may rest here for now, if you need anything ask for Lady Eowyn."

He then turned around and left.

Allie sat in the bed and thought about what the Being in her dream had said. She needed to help this man, Aragorn win some sort of war before she could go home.

"Wait a minute, he did say there was a battle to be had. Maybe this battle will win the war, then I can come home!" she thout excitedly.

She got out of the bed and stood up, looked around and found her flip flips. She quickly put them on and rushed out the door.

"WAIT! Aragorn I'm coming with you! I love planning for battle, I can help you!" She shouted down the hallway and then ran towards the retreating figure.

(Several hours later)

"And you will be..."

"Up on the hornblow, keeping out of the way and watching for the signal." Allie replied in a monotone voice.

They were sitting in the Helm's strategy room, at a large circular table. King Thedoan was revising his battle plan _again. _The only thing that constantly stayed the same was Allie's job, which was to station herself up on the hornblow, keep out of everybody's way and watch for the signal. This signal was a quick hand motion from Gimli which indicated the final battle strategy; ride out and kill as many Urkai as possible or die trying. They sincerely hoped they wouldn't have to use the signal.

The King turned to Aragorn, who looked determined to follow his every command

"You will be on the forefront, leading Haldir's troops. Do not give the first order of attack until they are at least 50 feet away from the Helm's wall."

Aragorn nodded, "Aye, King Theodon."

Satisfied that Aragorn knew what he was doing, he turned to Haldir.

"You will maintain order behind your troops. Follow Aragorn's lead and keep to the secound level of the Helm until the signal is heard."

Haldir nodded sullenly, truly hoping that Aragorn had paid attention, so he could translate later for him because, not being bilingual he had no idea what the Rohairrn King had said.

Oblivious to the fact that the elf had no idea what he just said, Theodan once again turned to the girl.

"And you will be..."

"Up on the hornblow, keeping out of the way and watching for the signal." Allie replied again, still in a monotone voice.

Theodan smiled, "Good lass. Now, follow Gimli, he will lead you up to the tower and get you settled." Allie smiled and stood up. The Dwarf stood up as well and beckoned for her to follow him.

As they walked up the stairs to the tower, Gimli emphasized the importance of the signal. In fact, he wouldn't shut up about it and it was getting on Allie's nerve.

"Remember you have to wait for the signal to blow the horn. As soon as you see the signal from me you must blow the horn. The signal is very important, the horn has to be blown after I give the signal. It is essential-"

"I KNOW, GIMLI! I KNOW!"

** I hope you enjoyed it! Please read and review! Stayed tuned for the next chapter, it should come soon, I still have one week of summer left!**


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